A Confession

I’m here today to admit that I am a bit freaked out. When I got on an airplane 12 days ago, I was headed to spend two weeks relaxing with family and friends in Florida. I’ve done that about once a year for the last few years, so no big deal! So what if I was lugging around nearly 100 lbs of stuff? (I NEVER travel with so much if I can help it.)

Now that my two weeks in Florida are nearly over, reality is beginning to hit… hard! In less than three days, I’ll be on a plane, not back home to my family and friends and comfort zone, but to a country I’ve never visited. I have visited plenty of new places over the years, some of them by myself, but I have not ventured to a new place on my own without a return ticket before. This is not a visit; it is a move!

In the six months that I have been anticipating this week’s journey, I have convinced myself that excitement is the only emotion allowed. After all, I love all I know of the region of the world I’m moving to, God is promising wonderful things, and He is carrying me into this new place.

Over the weekend, however, I began to let the reality sink in, that in order to enter the new book I wrote about before, I must close the one I’ve been living. I spent a short time with my grandmother who suffers from Alzheimer’s, and there was the realization that I may not see her again. That is one example of several moments during this time where I have become aware that my life is changing in big ways this week… even some ways that I don’t anticipate, I’m sure.

As I sat in a restaurant the day after I arrived in Florida, the waitress asked if I was nervous about my impending move. My response was a shrug of the shoulders and the words: “What’s to be nervous about? I’m just moving to a country I’ve never been, where I don’t really know anyone.” It was a joke, but at the same time it wasn’t. I didn’t really feel nervous…. yet.

As reality sank in this weekend that my time in Florida has, in some ways, been a farewell tour, and I said goodbye to life as I’ve known it, reality also hit that this move is in fact a big deal. In addition to the excitement, I’ve finally given myself permission to feel the anxiety that hits occasionally. I realized that admitting occasional moments of “What the h@!! am I doing?” does not mean I don’t have faith, it simply means I’m human and this is actually kind of a big deal.

As I have begun to allow those moments, I’ve also been able to process the feelings and allow God to speak to me about them. He has told me during the last six months that He would not only open the door to Ireland, but carry me across the threshold too. I have done my best to trust Him for that, and He has shown Himself faithful over and over. Every detail has fallen into place, and I’m sure future details will continue to be taken care of.

On Sunday, the pastor was referencing Revelation 21 and talking about the hope we have for the future beyond our life on earth. He spoke of the place Jesus told His disciples He was going to prepare for them. With each point of the sermon, I felt God’s assurance that He has prepared a place for me in Ireland too. Don’t get me wrong, I know Ireland won’t be heaven. But at the same time, God used the ideas presented in the sermon to reassure me that even though I haven’t seen where I will stay yet or what the ministry I do will look like,  He has prepared a place for me, and He is taking me there.

I don’t know how long Ireland will be home, but I know that whether I live there or in the States or somewhere else entirely, my life will never be the same as it has been so far. I’m sure there will be days in the weeks to come, when I’d love to go back – just like the Israelites who preferred the slavery of Egypt to the unknowns of the desert, when I’ll mourn some aspect of this chapter. I’m just as sure though, that God has incredible things ahead for me. After all, He is the God “who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think”! (Ephesians 3:20 NASB)

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One thought on “A Confession

  1. Anonymous says:

    You’re a brave gal and we are holding you in our prayers, thoughts, and hearts
    with love – Irv and Joyce

    Like

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